In a time of barrenness, doubts will arise. In a place of waiting, there will be times of waning faith. The stillness, the anxiety, will bring us to a place of uneasiness. Weakness is our greatest known quality during this time. The old questions arise and we become dull of hope. As I sit in the garage of my parents’ house, I wonder why. Why am I here? When I look at my friends, many are married and established with a job of some sort or working toward a Master’s degree. And myself? I don’t know. This seems to be my most common comment. I don’t know. For much of my life I have believed that I was to wait on this sort of calling from the LORD. I thought he would just hand me this mandate one day and off I would go. I thought I would someday just know who my wife would be and off we would go into the mission field together. I thought that I would go to college (which I did) and by the time I would graduate, I would have a wife, a degree, and a place to go.
Waiting for life to start. I think this was my mindset. I was waiting for life to start, but in the meantime, it is passing me by. Living in Bolivia was one of the greatest things I have experienced. Although I do believe that at the time I had a pretty negative attitude during the first couple of months, all the memories I now hold on to are very positive and frequent. One of the epiphanies I had while there came as I was in the restroom reading a devotional from My Utmost For His Highest. I was spending much of my prayer time praying about the future; such as my future wife, job, ministry, home, etc. I was saying one of those prayers when suddenly the thought hit me that I was always living in the future. This idea of “God’s will” had always come with the connotation that it was this grand future event. Suddenly I realized I was in Bolivia. This was God’s will. Not that I would have a ministry there someday, but that daily I had a ministry. It consisted of the conversations, smiles and words of encouragement I gave out each day. Yet in that place of thinking of God’s will as grand events in the future, I had missed out on daily opportunities to relate and serve people who surrounded me. This is the real meaning of ministry isn’t it? To serve people? So, there in the bathroom on a mountain in the village of Caranavi, I had one of my life’s greatest lessons.
And why do I still worry? In this place of not having a job, not having a significant other, being 25 and living in the garage of my parents' house; there is so much instability. In the place of waiting I seek to know God. In the wilderness of uncertainty, I am to trust he has all things under his control. And that’s what it is, waiting. This does not mean I am to lie around watching TV all day, but to be living a life of prayer and trust and be doing what I can do to improve my situation. Sometimes I tend to think that living for God means going to a foreign country with the support of the church and family or that the ministry means working for a specific organization or church (which all of these are very good ministry opportunities). The truth is that ministry happens everyday. The way we serve others, the Jesus that shines through us daily. This mystery found in Colossians 1:27 -- "Christ in you, the hope of Glory" is the ministry that we are called to. The truth that Jesus lives in us should offer a hope beyond worry; a faith that we can do all things through Christ that strengthens us. These two truths testify that it is not ourselves, but Christ in us that accomplishes life, ministry, and love of God and others.
The answer to my questions of God's will are found in 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18, "Be joyful always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances, for THIS is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus." Yes God has a mandate for you. As in Acts 13:2-3, the Holy Spirit called Barnabas and Saul during a time of worship and fasting. Then they were sent out after a time of fasting and prayer. I should not think I am beyond a time of being in the wilderness of waiting. Nor am I beyond a time of discipline and learning to trust. Faith is essentially trusting that what God says is true.
Even at this moment of reflection as I write this, I am reminded that I am in the center of God's will at this moment. He has me here for a purpose. Maybe it was just to write this reflection, maybe to teach me something new, or just to put me a place of listening. Whatever the case, I am excited to see what He will do with me these coming days. I should not look at my present situation as hopeless, but as an opportunity to go wherever He sends me. To work wherever he leads me and be in the place to receive the gift of relationship he will bring my way soon. In the meantime, I am to love God and others. It’s that "simple." Life is good. In fact, it's all good...
(this was written during a transition time and about a year and a half before heading to the Philippines)
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